Adolescence - What's It All About?
It's easy to get caught up in the individual behaviors of teens, some of which worry or frighten us as parents, and lose sight of the larger picture of what's going on with our sons and daughters. To gain perspective, we need to take a deep breath and ask, "What is adolescence really all about?" From this vantage point, it becomes clear that almost all of a teen's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are driven by the search for a personal identity. "Who am I?" "What am I going to do with my life?" "What am I capable of?" "Will I be a leader, or a follower?" "Whom will I associate with?" "What kinds of friends will I have?" "What is my place in the world?" - The teen's search for answers to these monumental questions is seldom easy, but understanding what adolescents are going through reduces parent-teen tension and increases parents' ability to be helpful, rather than part of the problem.
Is it true that most teens struggle, act out in dangerous ways, and fight with their parents in their search for answers to these big questions? Well, yes, and no. Many teens remain surprisingly emotionally constant while seeking to discover themselves, and are in fact about as happy and content as individuals in other age groups. On average, however, adolescents do experience more frequent and more pronounced emotional swings than do individuals of other ages.
In fact, up to one-third of adolescents report at any given time that they are experiencing depressed mood, with a higher incidence among girls than boys. This gender difference is in part because girls tend to think about negative events, whereas boys are more likely to distract themselves with activity. Emotionally sensitive boys, who process information and feelings more like their girl counterparts, have a particularly difficult time in negotiating adolescence, because they don't quite fit with boys or girls and may feel quite alone.
Hormonal changes and negative life events (parents' divorce, not making the basketball team, doing poorly in geometry, etc.) also play an important role in mood. In addition, mood is influenced by a teen's positive or negative view of self, as well as by peer influences, increasing parental expectations, pressure to achieve, body image, and other factors. Studies have shown that at some time during early adolescence over 50% of boys and girls also experience questions related to their sexual preference, an additional stress in their search for an identity.
Adolescents' brains are changing as well as their bodies. Almost overnight, teens develop the ability to think in terms of symbols, which makes learning algebra possible, for example. Teens can also construct mental ideals, allowing them to become experts on how things should be in comparison to the way things are, and endlessly pointing out the difference. Focusing on imperfections in the external world helps teens postpone acknowledgment of a growing internal sense of their own limitations.
As every parent knows, teens become more egocentric, or self-centered, sometimes literally shouting, "Look at me! Aren't I amazing!" Parents also know all too well that teens often think that while others may be subject to the laws of nature, they themselves are invincible. Acting as if they are indestructible may also be an unconscious means of reducing the anxiety they feel about their own vulnerability, even if that vulnerability has not yet been acknowledged.
Critical to answering the question of, "Who am I?" is discovering the answer to another question; "What kind of people want to be around me?" In order to answer this question, a teen needs to see him or herself in relationship to peers. It is for this reason that most adolescents push away from family and create a substitute family of friends. Some parents, frightened that a temporary image (think outrageous hairdos and strange clothes) indicates a permanent trajectory, make the mistake of over-controlling their teen when curious observation would be more helpful. Other parents choose to believe that their teen no longer needs their control and guidance, and therefore give the teen more freedom than he or she is capable of safely handling. Either extreme of too much control or too much freedom increases the difficulty a teen will have in safely negotiating adolescence and discovering him or herself.
Risky behavior is also an aspect of self-discovery, and often the part that frightens parents the most. Risk-taking is indicative of many things, including the teen's need for excitement and the need to test him or herself against challenges. In the context of self-discovery, risk-taking is both normal and necessary. But while it is the teen's job to explore his or her personal limits, it is the parents' job to keep the teen safe. These opposing goals result in inevitable conflict, and require difficult and regular negotiation as the teen ages. Viewing the job of parenting as a "tandem journey, one in which both the parent(s) and their teen(s) are learning and growing, does not mean that parents will worry less, nor that teens will be prevented from making mistakes and suffering the natural consequences, but it will make the process more understandable, and hopefully a bit more relaxing.
Most teens manage, even if with difficulty, to negotiate adolescence and discover their role in life. However, some have a particularly difficult time of it. Personal struggle outside what can be considered "normal" is invariably the unfortunate result of the convergence of a number of interpersonal, environmental, and biological factors. For some teens, the struggle reaches the point of what may be termed a "mental disorder", and special measures are required to help them return to a more normal state of equilibrium. It is with the struggle of these teens that we begin.
Leon Pyle, PhD
See Mental Health Concerns in Adolescents
Teen Development Resources and References
Resources
Books
Get Out of My Life, but first could you drive me & Cheryl to the mall? A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager, by Anthony E. Wolf, PhD
The Roller Coaster Years: Raising Your Child Through the Maddening Yet Magical Middle School Years, by Charlene Giannetti & Margaret Sagarese
The Seven Year Stretch: How Families Work Together to Grow Through Adolescence, by Laura Kastner, PhD, & Jennifer Wyatt, PhD
References
Broderick, P.C., & Blewitt, P. (2003). The life span: Human development for helping professionals. Upper Saddle River, N.J.: Merrill Prentice Hall.
Erickson, E.H. (1968). Identity, youth and crisis. New York: Norton.
Petersen, A.C., Compas, B.E., Brooks-Gunn, J., Stemmler, M., Ey, S., & Grant, K.E. (1993). Depression in adolescence. American Psychologist, 48, 155-168.
