|
Shame and Addiction
As parents, we wonder how to think about our teen's experimentation
with drugs and alcohol. How do we know if
the use means more to our teen than just experimentation? How can we determine if
something more serious is occurring that requires a different response
from us?
Today's Featured Article looks at the role of shame in problem
drinking. We will look at the story of Susan, whose drinking began
during middle school, but its roots were
linked to a much earlier age, and its effects continued long after the
teen years:
Susan grew up in a family in which her mother was
depressed and emotionally unavailable much of the time. Her father, a
police officer in their hometown, expected everyone in the family to
live up to his definition of perfection.
Susan was his
father's favorite child, and she loved him very much. But her father
scolded her often and harshly, especially when she made a "mistake" in
public. If she flubbed a line in a school play, or even forgot to put
her napkin on her lap in a restaurant, her father loudly condemned
Susan's transgression, making her want to disappear in humiliation.
As
a young teen, Susan discovered that drinking alcohol made her feel
better. By the time she was in her early 20s, she drank almost every
day, even though she said that she never really liked the taste of alcohol.
Even
as an adult, Susan continued to hear her father's voice in her head.
She worked hard to be the perfect caregiver in her job as a nurse, to
be the perfect wife and mother, but seldom felt that what she did was
good enough. She said it was if she lived her life according to a set
of impossible rules, and could never measure up. She described the
feeling as "being defective in a way that can't be fixed."
Susan
married a man whom she described as being almost as critical as her
father. She felt constantly on edge when he was nearby, afraid to do
the simplest things for fear of being yelled at or criticized.
At
the age of 38, Susan took the advice of a good friend and came to
therapy. She explained that she felt that she had to drink to avoid
feeling constantly anxious, and "empty" inside.
Combining our understanding of two dynamics, i.e.,
1.
Shame - a feeling of being "defective," "broken," or "deficient" as a
human being, and a terrifying fear that the defect will be discovered
by others (and result in being shunned and totally isolated), and
2.
Compulsive behavior relied upon as a means of dealing with overwhelming
feelings - as described in the Addiction Focused Therapy model (for
more information on AFT, click here),
we
come to understand the compelling motivation behind Susan's
psychological addiction to alcohol. (We would need more information to
determine if Susan is also physically addicted to alcohol, but dealing
with the withdrawal symptoms of physical addiction is much simpler than
working through the difficulty of psychological addiction).
Although
drinking alcohol did not solve Susan's underlying problem of hidden shame,
we can understand her action as a way to avoid something worse - a fear
of impending emotional doom -. In that light, we can see that excessive
drinking is not a desire for self-destruction. It is a method, no
matter how misguided, to emotionally survive.
Better
understanding the motivation behind compulsive behaviors, be it
alcoholism, gambling, drug use, or simply eating one's way to obesity,
can give us compassion for the person's struggle.
Coming to an
understanding on the part of the sufferer is a long and painful
journey, but in the end can bring great relief and an opportunity to
live life in a different way.
References
Dodes, L. (2003). The heart of addiction. New York: HarperCollins Publishers.
Lansky, M. (2005 Sum). Hidden shame. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association.
53(3), 866-890.
"A complete resource for teen mental health questions and answers."
Click here for a Directory of Topics |
|
